I wish I had not…..

A lot of times we hear people say that I wish I had done this and done that, which means they regret not having done certain things in life.

Well, can you look back at your life and see if there were any moments in your life you wished you had not done? I do sometimes go through the phase were I feel I should not have done that, should not have said that, should not have even had a thought which I dint like cross my mind. But then, it was all done, said and thought. It was too late.

If you could go back and undo those times today, would you? I certainly would!! But how the conversations would have been while un-doing those times needed another level of courage and maturity to understand.

Every time, I have the thought of “I wish I had not” cross my mind, it leaves a very big impact making me feel awkward and the thought gets stuck in my head for a very long time until I perform the cleansing action. When I go through that mental anguish and look for a door to vent that anguish, I probably end up writing, not because I can’t articulate it, but because the pain is so deep that I feel my vocal chords stop functioning. The only permissive organs that functions at that point in time in my body are my mind, my broken heart and my tear glands.

Now that I wish I had not, but then I know I did, there comes the bigger battle to fight - holding myself accountable. The biggest irony, yet beauty of life is, not knowing how it’s your fault and yet being accountable for not having to do what you did. It’s a tough battle!!!

How many times have I gotten past that battle, I don’t know. I say I don’t know because I wish the venting and talking happened more realistically. I feel it’s a challenging event that happens to me.

I know I love myself a lot and I can love people who matter to me going all out, but I do feel miserable on some days. You might wonder how can one feel miserable if they are so self obsessed. I don't have answers to it either. Does my mind know? - Maybe. Does the thought in my mind say it loud and clear for me to accept it and move on - Maybe or Maybe not....